He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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