ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
