I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Who died my cat blue again?
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
