get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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