i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
