Pants 0. Shit 1.
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Ketchup is God's man juice
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
