i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
