my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
