I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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