the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
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