I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
