I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Randomize
