OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
worst night to have a conscience
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Randomize
