Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
