she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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