My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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