i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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