Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
My nipple is on Facebook.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
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