he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
