I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
