the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
