i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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