WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
