It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
