Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
