Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
