I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
