last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
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I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
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