I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
she was so not down for the gang bang
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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