as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
