Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
