I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Randomize
