Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
