i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
