The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
