plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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