i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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