First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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