Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
