I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Randomize
