My hand turned me down
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
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