we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
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