im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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