my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
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