Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Randomize
