get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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