worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
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He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
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Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
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