I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
