Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
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