my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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