Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
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