I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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