Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
