fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Randomize
