do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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