I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
