ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
