I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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