He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
