Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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