Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
You're a waste of cheezeits
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
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