i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Just pee around me
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Randomize
